Swan Dive

Rejected Stage Names For Chubby Checker

Portly Dice
Chunky Craps
Grossly Obese Jacks
Tubby Tiddleywink
Lard Cards
Mallubrious Marbles
Porky Chips
Wide Load Bishop

I’ve always been an ankle jiggler. If my ankle could be measured in miles, it’s probably been from Bangor
to San Diego and back. It’s nervous energy and impatience that makes my ankles – really just my right ankle -
bob up and down when I’m sitting with my legs crossed. I remember once in sixth grade, I was sitting in English
class and my ankle was in high-speed jiggle mode. The girl next to me, Claire Miskell, reached over and closed her
hand around my ankle. “Could you please stop?” she said, with an annoyed look on her face. Stop what? Ankle
jigglers are as unaware of the motion as a bird is of flapping its wings. Come to find out that there’s a name for
this condition. Akathisia. It’s characterized by sensations of inner restlessness. Add that to my list of minor
ailments and afflictions.

As a kid, I loved W.C. Fields. Despite his infamous tagline – “Get away from me kid, you bother me.”

Mr. Rogers was there to invite me into his neighborhood, but I chose Fields, a fat Vaudeville comedian with a gin blossom nose and a snide way of chewing his sentences before he spoke them. The biggest poster in my bedroom, bigger than Bruce Lee or Genesis or Queen, was a black-and-white portrait of Fields. In it, he wore a huge top hat, and with white gloves, held a poker hand close to his vest. His beady, porcine eyes glanced to his right. It was a strange image for a 10-year old kid to be attached to, but I stared at it adoringly, even considering how I might someday look like W.C. Fields. All through adolescence, I wanted a top hat.

Fields’ movies were difficult to find on television – this was before VCRs were common – so I had to read about them. I remember I had a little book of the best lines from his movies. One in particular stays with me. It
was from You Can’t Cheat An Honest Man. Fields was talking to Charlie McCarthy, a ventriloquist dummy, who he obviously put in the same category as children. Annoyed and flustered, Fields said to Charlie, “If you’re a real good kid, I’ll give you a piggyback ride on a buzz saw.” Piggyback on the buzzsaw. For a ventriloquist dummy, this would be
most unpleasant. It cracked me up to end. It still does.

Ten Bits of Between-Song Patter Never Heard at Rock Shows

1. Is everybody all set to rock?!

2. It’s strangely disorienting, in an almost Proustian way, to be back here in Cleveland.

3. How is everybody’s cholesterol count to-night?!

4. Here’s one you might think you remember at first, but that’s only because it sounds a lot like
one of our older, more well-known hits.

5. I’m not going to lie to you, despite predictions and rallying cries to the contrary, rock ‘n’ roll will eventually die.

6. Scott, our bass player, will be coming around to hand out the party invitations. Please, only one per person.

7. This next song is a sea shanty that was popular amongst Dutch sailors in the 15th century.

8. Somebody told me backstage that you people like Absinthe Curacao Frappes!

9. Are these slacks are a good color for me?

10. This is one for all the ladies . . . who used to be gents.

I’ve written a MOJO Blog about Hi-Fi’s vs. iPods. Read it here:

Hi-Fi’s Are Sexy